Dad has been gone 17 years and mom now 5 years.  It has been a struggle sometimes for me without my mom.  My mom and I had grown close and she was my best friend.  I wish she was still here to talk to and listen to.  I will catch myself remembering things that she said or that we did together and it makes me smile.  I would have never thought that she would have passed that day.  I wanted her to see me complete college and earn my bachelors degree.  I know she was proud of me for going back to school and that made me happy.  It's getting close now mom.  I am graduating this October and I am excited and scared all at the same time.  I wonder what advice you would give me if you were here, physically.  You are always with me in my heart, but I wish you were here physically as well.  I wish you were here for Adrianna too.   I am going back to church now and I even get there early.  Don't roll in your grave now okay.  Miracles happen every day mom.  I had to get some stuff off of my chest and once I did that I was ready to go back.  I am getting involved in Heartfelt for women and I am going to start singing again too.  Mom, I miss you so much.  I am trying to do better with my life.  I will always love you and my heart will always have a piece missing since you are gone.
Good night. 

It's still has moments...

This past August has been 16 years since my dad passed away and 4 years since my mom passed away.  Sometimes it seems like it has been longer and other times it seems like it was just yesterday.  Life is so different without your parents being around.  You know that someday they won't be, but excepting that and knowing that it has happened, is a whole different story.  I miss being able to talk to them the most.  I would say that one thing that has bothered me the most, is when someone tries to tell you how to grieve.  How dare anyone try to tell anyone, how they should grieve.  I didn't want to hear that they're not suffering, I know that.  I didn't want to hear that they were in a better place, I know that too.  If you don't know what to say to someone, simple say I'm sorry for your loss and give them a hug.  A hug means so much more than words can express.  You have to take life one day at a time.  Some days are hard after losing someone and some days are easier.  Take all the time you need and want.  It's your grief, no one else's.

March 17, 2016

     This week I have been on spring break. We have had some very nice weather. I have had time to think about my parents. It still seems weird some days that they are not here any more.
     I still have good days and bad days. I wish my mom was still here to talk with and laugh with. I hope that people who still have one or both of their parents, really appreciate them. I hope that they don't let any thing stand in between them. This life is so short and precious that we should never take any thing for granted. Don't let stupid things stand in between your relationship. It's not worth it and time goes by so fast.
     I am thankful for the memories that I have. I wish I could have had more, but I'm grateful for the ones and the time I had.

     Well, this was our first Easter without mom.  Mark, Tammy, Alyssa, and Holly joined us...Laura, Nancy, Adrianna, and myself.  It was nice being with family, but there was definitely something missing.  I remembered that the previous Easter mom was at Mansfield Methodist Hospital.  I remember her saying that she wished she was home for Easter.  If someone had told me that a year from that Easter, my mom would be gone, I do not think I would have believed them.  It still seems weird to me and I wonder if it will ever feel right.  
     Losing a parent is not easy and it does leave your heart aching without them.  I am thankful that both of my parents were Christians and I know that they are each in heaven, but that does not take away the pain that I feel.  I know I feel this way because I am a human here on earth.  A sweet neighbor gave me his condolences one day and told me that,"we miss them too much." I believe he is right.  You never want your parents to suffer and/or be in pain, but you never want them to die either.      Life is never the same without your parents no matter what. You just have to take it one day at a time and make it the best you can.  
     I miss you mom and dad!

   One of my favorite memories I have with my dad is when I was with him and I got to ride on an elephant.  I do not remember what was going on, but I do remember riding on an elephant.  I thought that was the coolest thing.  I don't know if my mom knew anything about this, but I am thankful for this fun memory that I made with my dad.

 I remember a time that Adrianna, mom, and I were at JCPenny and we got on the elevator to go look at clothes.  As the elevator began to move, it suddenly stopped.  None of us were happy about this and those little lights installed in the ceiling, seemed to be beating down on us.  I remember thinking how hot it was in there and that it seemed awfully small.  Luckily we weren't stuck in there for too long.  After that experience, we were not anxious to get in an elevator any time soon.

 When my mom passed away her best friend and her family sent us a peace lily plant.  On the card there was a quote, "Those that live in the Lord never see each other for the last time."  This quote has become one of my favorites.  The words are simple and the meaning is true.  Even though I know it is a true statement, the human side of me wishes I could have had more time with my mom.  

Happy St. Patricks Day!

 I remember coming home from work and dads car was gone.  That was such a weird feeling.  Mom did not drive and I already had a car, so we did not need to keep it.  It just seemed that now his car was gone that it made his death more a reality.  We used my dads car to bring family to the funeral home for his viewing.  As soon as the car was parked, it died right there.  It was funny in a way...it was like my dad was saying if he couldn't drive his car, no one would.

I finally went to the cemetery and saw my moms headstone.  I took a yellow rose for her and a red rose for my dad.  Being there made her death so real and final for me.  I am thankful that she is with my dad now, but it does not take away the pain for me.  I just think of the time we had together and wish there could have been more.  I hope that I did all I could for her...hopefully I did not complain too much...hopefully I brought her everything she needed and requested...hopefully I was a good, loving, and faithful daughter.  There are days when I feel guilty...days when I feel like I could have done better...days where tears just fall from my eyes, missing her so much. 

 
   

March 2, 2014

     I remember coming home from work one day and going to check the mail.  I said to myself, "I am going to ask dad about that."  Then it hit me, my dad was not here to ask any questions to any more.  It was a weird feeling...sad to know that I could not have a conversation with my dad any more.  It is a strange feeling to know that someone who was an important part of your life is no longer here on this earth.  As I sit here, I remember when my dad asked me to wash his car for him as a Father's Day gift and I asked him why he wanted me to do that since he no longer was able to drive.  He just wanted his car to look nice even if he couldn't drive it any more.  I was happy to do this for him.

    I remember when we first moved to Texas and mom had asked me to help her pick out some of the wallpaper for the rooms of the house.  I remember thinking to myself, there are too many choices and I know why mom wanted help.  Now, as I look at the wallpaper that is in the kitchen and in the bathrooms, I think, how fast can we get it off?  It is funny how things change and what becomes "in" and "out" with houses.  No matter what stays and what changes, there will always be so many memories of my mom in this house.  Even Princess and Logan, the dogs in the family, have their spots that you could find them at when mom was here.  They still go to them and I wonder sometimes if they know something or see something that we cannot.  I know that they miss her too and I know that she loved them.  I miss you too mom...all the time.